466. How To Manifest Your Dream Partner (Or Make Your Partner Your Dream) Ask Me Anything Solocast

Bailey Richardson

DISCLAIMER: This podcast is presented for educational and exploratory purposes only. Published content is not intended to be used for diagnosing or treating any illness. Those responsible for this show disclaim responsibility for any possible adverse effects from the use of information presented by Luke or his guests. Please consult with your healthcare provider before using any products referenced. This podcast may contain paid endorsements for products or services.

Luke Storey shares how to manifest your ideal partner by taking inventory of and healing our own core wounds, identifying where relationships have gone wrong in the past and why, defining specifically what you want in a partner, and being able to cultivate those qualities within yourself.

DISCLAIMER: This podcast is presented for educational and exploratory purposes only. Published content is not intended to be used for diagnosing or treating any illness. Those responsible for this show disclaim responsibility for any possible adverse effects from the use of information presented by Luke or his guests. Please consult with your healthcare provider before using any products referenced. This podcast may contain paid endorsements for products or services.

In this Ask Me Anything with my podcast co-producer Bailey Richardson, I answer the question, “How do I manifest my life partner?” Since I myself have spent a considerable amount of time pondering that quandary and eventually, at least for me, found the key to that code – I’m happy to share what I’ve learned throughout my not-so-perfect journey to calling in an aligned partner and exactly how I did it. 

Through lots of painful learnings and heartbreak over the last 50+ years, it’s been one of the greatest lessons of my life to learn that what we look for in others must be what we ourselves are able to provide. 

I share the mistakes I’ve made, the ways I’ve been able to reflect on and heal hurt from my past, and the practical tools and steps I implemented to be able to invite a truly healthy, loving, secure and supportive relationship into my life.

DISCLAIMER: This podcast is presented for educational and exploratory purposes only. Published content is not intended to be used for diagnosing or treating any illness. Those responsible for this show disclaim responsibility for any possible adverse effects from the use of information presented by Luke or his guests. Please consult with your healthcare provider before using any products referenced. This podcast may contain paid endorsements for products or services.

00:06:07 — Looking Within Before Calling In An Aligned Partner
  • Childhood trauma’s impact in the way we form connections 
  • How we begin to reprogram subconscious patterns and habits
  • Tools for excavating generational traumas we have inherited
  • How Luke identifies a healthy and unhealthy relationship
  • What Luke has done to change patterns in dating that weren’t serving him
  • Being able to date yourself
  • Steps for calling in a healthy relationship
  • Modalities for healing deep core wounds reflecting in relationship dynamics
00:33:59 — Creating a Blueprint for a Healthy Relationship
  • What healthy attachment can look like
  • Dharmic vs karmic relationships and what we learn from them
  • What was in Luke’s “dating plan” 
  • Determining your very specific core values in a partner
  • How to envision your ideal partner
01:05:50 — Luke & Alyson’s Love Story: It’s Okay to Break Your Own Rules
  • Why Luke broke his own rules on his and Alyson’s third date at a peyote ceremony 
  • Discerning between alignment and infatuation
  • The barometer of a healthy relationship

More about this episode.

Watch on YouTube.

 [00:00:00] Luke: All right, ladies and gents. Here we are with Episode 466 of the Life Stylist Podcast, and this will be another AMA episode wherein my trusted cohort and podcast co-producer Bailey Richardson will be asking me some of our most frequent questions from listeners. 

And, um, the way we're doing this now as opposed to the old solocast is much more fun for me because I have no idea what the questions are ahead of time. And that not only saves me from preparing my manuscript like I did the old solocast where it would take me hours to sit there and write everything out.

And uh, I'm finding this to be just much more fluid, dynamic, and, uh, spontaneous. So I'm looking forward, Bailey, to, uh, finding out what you have to say here. And for those of you that want to learn a little bit more about Bailey's role here and how she, uh, came to work for the organization known as the Life Stylist, you can go to today's show notes, which are lukestorey.com/466 and will link the prior Ask Me Anything or AMA episodes, uh, that Bailey and I produced there. That said, what's happening to bay? How's sunny Florida? 

[00:01:11] Bailey: Oh, it's so perfect here. It's actually cold today, which was a nice little break we got.

[00:01:16] Luke: Yeah. We had a good time down there when we were there recently. Alyson and I were doing, as you know, a lot of wacky medical procedures at the Advanced Rejuvenation, uh, Center down in, uh, down or up from where you are. Down in Sarasota.

Um, so we got a couple beach days, which were really nice. Um, but we had planned on doing our treatments throughout the day and then going to the beach every day. I think we only made it to the beach two days because just we're so inundated with our treatments there. So I'm, uh, I'm jealous that you have that accessible all the time.

[00:01:53] Bailey: Yeah. I've been spending the last few weekends there. Um, you got to visit St. Pete.

[00:01:58] Luke: I did. Yeah. I'd never been there. Alyson wanted to go to, uh, St. Pete as y'all locals call it, otherwise known as St. Petersburg, uh, because she used to go there as a kid. And so she was like, I want to-- yeah, that was one of her family vacation spots, uh, where they would, uh, escape the Indiana, uh, winters. And so she wanted to go back and just see if she recognizes anything. And, um, of course, she didn't because she was probably there in the early '80s or something. 

[00:02:24] Bailey: Yeah, it's changed so much in the last couple years too. 

[00:02:27] Luke: Yeah. It was a cool little town. We, uh, we managed to find the hipster arts district where all of the kava bars and cannabis stores or whatnot. That's not what I was looking for but that's what you find when you go to the arts district as they call it. But what was really interesting about St. Pete and, uh, no fear projection on people that live there, or a city where this is present, but there were a grip of 5G towers all up and down the streets there.

It was really unnerving. I just felt so bad for the people that live in the apartment building right in front of the 5G tower, or, um, we found a great little coffee shop there, and I'm walking inside and I look up and there's just some massive 5G tower 20 feet above the front door of this coffee shop.

And I'm just thinking, oh man, people have no idea. It looks like a weird streetlight or something. You have no clue, uh, of the level of radiation there. So it's always interesting to travel and notice things like that, that many people probably don't notice.

One last thing, to be honest, it's probably, in a sense, uh, from one perspective, better not to notice, because the noticing causes probably more anxiety than actually the radiation itself. I guess I prefer to notice this. Yeah, go ahead. 

[00:03:52] Bailey: I was just going to say St. Pete thinks of itself as a very conscious city, like a spiritual city, and they still have the EMF everywhere. 

[00:04:03] Luke: Yeah. I actually noticed in Florida, um, well, one thing was, because we thought about moving there when we were, um, prospecting our escape plan as refugees from California. And, uh, just because of the weather and the fact that it has an ocean, uh, it's like a flat California in a way.

Um, but going there now, I noticed there are a million cell towers there for some reason. It's just like Florida, and not to put this in your head because I know you're doing things to mitigate it, but I was like, holy shit man. There are really big on the, uh, the cell towers and the 5G towers on every corner.

And I was like, man, it's a very radiated state, uh, which is interesting. It's like more telecommunication infrastructure than it seems the population would call for. If you're in the middle of a massive city, like New York or LA or something, you figure, okay, there's going to be cell towers everywhere.

But even though Florida is spread out and somewhat rural in some places between the big towns or cities, man, they really go, uh, off the charts with the EMF there. But it's what it is. I mean, the thing is with these things, and we will probably talk about some of this from a more, um, psychological perspective, but there's so many things in our life experience that you can't control, and that's obviously one of them. 

So it's always a balance for me of being aware of where I feel the best and what seems to be the most compatible to my biology. And also just knowing sometimes it just is what it is. 

[00:05:47] Bailey: Yeah. Well, let's talk about spirituality so we can help them--

[00:05:53] Luke: Let's do it. 

[00:05:53] Bailey: Mitigate the EMF. 

[00:05:54] Luke: Let's do it.

[00:05:55] Bailey: Okay. First question is, how can I manifest my life partner? 

[00:06:01] Luke: Wow, that's a great question. Um, having spent a considerable amount of time pondering that, uh, quandary myself and eventually, at least for me, finding the key to that code, and the very short answer to that would be to becoming, to myself, the partner in relation to my own personal experience of me that I'm seeking.

It's that water seeks its own level, like begets like, and, uh, that's a really simplistic way to explain it. But, uh, in my experience, there's a couple of things that are a bit more tangible maybe, that I could offer as tools. Uh, as someone who had a lot of experience with codependency and all of its deviations in what would broadly be called unhealthy or toxic relationships, which goes back to, of course, childhood trauma and experiences like that.

And in my case, just not having healthy, romantic relationships modeled for me in any way. In my formative years, I don't remember ever seeing two adults as a kid and being like, oh, wow, they really love each other and it's going well. Um, just divorces and just actually not even limited to divorces, but also some pretty traumatic experiences that I was exposed to as a kid.

So, um, no fault of my own that I didn't learn those skills. And, um, frankly, when I was young and was, um, imbued in the world of, uh, addiction, there was really no value placed on having healthy and fulfilling connections with people because I was in such a state of survival. So for me, when I started asking that question, uh, that you just asked me, there were a lot of missteps and a lot of, uh, karmic and, um, painful lessons both for me and, uh, I can assume with some certainty the people with whom I shared partnership. So a lot of drama, a lot of chaos. 

And for me, the, um, process of what we might call inner work or shadow work was the preliminary part that was necessary in order to "manifest" or call in, uh, a divine partnership, a high level partnership that is based on unconditional love, and healthy communication, and healthy boundaries, and personal sovereignty. Uh, sovereignty. I can never say that word right. And, uh, and true intimacy. Not false intimacy which comes from a lack of boundaries on one or both parties in the relationship. And it could feel a lot like intimacy in those situations, but true intimacy where someone really sees you and you really see them, um, outside of a trauma bonding dynamic.

So much of the work in my experience has been, uh, working on myself first and foremost. And so, um, that has involved and continues to involve in some cases, uh, really deliberately in a very committed way, exploring all of the patterns that I've developed in my adult life that are the result of unhealed emotional wounds that I've been carrying around my whole life.

Uh, there's so many patterns that we use habitually and often subconsciously because there are parts of ourselves emotionally in our emotional body that are hurt. And so we enter into relationships, uh-- a, um, metaphor for this might be when you were young, you went skiing and you broke your leg, and nobody put it in a cast, and you've been hobbling along.

And you keep trying to get back on the slopes and ski over and over again and wonder why you keep falling down. So it's, uh, emotional wounds, um, are trickier than a broken leg because they're more difficult to see and they often require professional help to uncover and to disclose.

And it also requires a really deep commitment to our evolution to be able to go into those scary places within ourselves. I mean, who wants to look at the abuse they endured as a kid, um, the divorces that we were exposed to, all of the things that are just part of the human condition and more commonly in family lines that have been prone to, uh, alcoholism, addiction, violence, sexual abuse. I mean, these things are carried on generationally. 

And some of the work that I've done that's helped me be prepared to have, uh, what I have now as a really incredible, um, trusting, safe, loving relationship with my wife, Alyson, is really taking some time to look back not only at the experiences that I've, um, witnessed or felt during my life, but also looking back through some of the family history, and seeing, wow, did anyone on either side of my family really have a healthy relationship? 

And in my case, and I love my family, all of them dead and alive, I mean, they're beautiful and they're what made me who I am today. So I'm grateful for all of them. And it's not a judgment, but just as an objective, honest observation, I don't think anyone on either side of my family has had what I would consider a healthy, long-term relationship with a romantic partner.

Maybe a few generations back. I don't know about it. But I've interviewed my parents, and this is actually a really good practice. This is something that's, um, tangible and doable is, if your parents are still living, or whoever your closest relatives are, to really take some time to, um, excavate their history and their parents' history, and their parents' parents' history, and really find out who's experienced which traumas and when and with whom. 

And start to dismantle those patterns in terms of just taking an inventory on your family lineage and really seeing like, wow, what have I inherited here. What experiences through my bloodline? And this is more difficult for someone who was adopted, obviously, but in your formative years at least, you're taking on the patterns and the energetics of whoever your primary caregivers happen to be.

But it's to really go back to take a deep inventory, not only, again, of my life, but the lives that have come before me that help shape me, the genetics, and also the epigenetics of my own experiences, and my past behavior and patterns. So all that, um, I say as a prerequisite to bringing in the relationship that I want, as I said in the beginning, is I have to become, myself, the type of partner that I'm seeking.

So if I'm still operating from childhood wounds and I'm acting out of co-dependency and I have unhealthy attachments or addictions to things or people or emotions, uh, if my biochemistry, my neurochemistry is skew and I'm having a difficult time functioning by myself in any significant way, uh, the first step is to actually work on oneself.

And a big part of that in my experience, has been to really take a hard pause from the effort that goes into "manifesting" the perfect partner or the ideal partner. Um, we have a tendency because we're all wired for connection and we're all wired to give and receive love that when we're not in a relationship and we feel that sense of isolation and existential loneliness that the thing that's missing is another person.

But until we learn how to truly be self-sufficient and have a relationship with our innermost selves, uh, we're going to use other people as more of a crutch rather than a complimentary addition to our, uh, ourselves and our ability to expand in our capacity for love.

So one of the tools that's most important in this realm is in between relationships, especially a difficult relationship-- I mean, some might have had a healthy, fulfilling relationship and it just ended because the two people or one of them changed. And you're evolving in different ways, and you might have had a conscious uncoupling and you really love one another, but you're just not meant to be in a romantic partnership.

Aside from that though, most breakups involve hurt feelings, and anger, and resentment, and, uh, there's, I think very few people that are ending relationships where everyone's copacetic. So if a relationship is ended and anyone is at fault, uh, just for lack of a better way to put it, let's say I'm the one I see, oh man, wow, I wasn't really emotionally available or I was selfish or dishonest or whatever my part in that, uh, demise of the relationship was, for me to really take a pause and reflect and be honest with myself about those parts of my way of feeling and thinking or behaving that contributed to the, uh, undermining of that relationship and to take a break.

So some years ago, I was having a terrible time with relationships and, um, it was so confusing to me because I was, I would say, relatively highly functioning in all other aspects of my life. My friend relationships are great. My relationships with my family are great. Um, I'm having a fulfilling career.

I'm doing creative work that I enjoy. My finances are in order. I'm no longer in debt and having all of these sort of struggles that I had early on. Um, everything is pretty smooth except each time I attempted to have a new relationship. And again, it's because, a, I lacked the skills to do so. I had no idea what it took to have a healthy relationship. And I'd also never seen it done. So there was no modeling of that. 

So what I had to do, um, or elected to do myself, was to stop any kind of dating or sexual activity, uh, at least with other people, uh, for almost two years. So I was celibate and it was a really difficult time because it was the first time in my adult life since I started dating and having sex at 16 years old.

It was the first and only time I had ever had any a pause in that aspect. Um, well, yeah, I never stopped that. There was never a recovery period after a relationship. One of the dysfunctional ways that I would cope with heartbreak was just dating other people quickly and trying to use them and the chemistry or the dynamic of those new relationships as a way to ease the pain and really bypass the growth that was available to me at the end of those relationships. 

So as I started to see those patterns, uh, the last time, and I'm a slow learner when it comes to this part. I mean, I'm 52, about to be 53 this year and this is the first time I've been capable of really holding space and calling in a partner who brings out the very best in me.

And I think that's a good gauge of when I'm using the terms like a healthy or toxic relationship, it's like one can ask themselves, does this person or this dynamic that I've created with someone elevate my life and, uh, encourage me to be a better person? Am I doing better emotionally? Am I doing better financially?

Is there more peace in my home? Is there more serenity in my daily experience? Or is it deleterious to my wellbeing? And in my past relationships, God bless them, and I take full responsibility for every partner I chose and all of the ways, uh, that those relationships played out, but in almost all cases, not all of them, if I look back, both party's lives were actually diminished by us being together, which is a harsh truth to face.

No one wants to, uh, admit that truth to themselves, or few people do. I don't like to admit it even on a podcast, but it's just the real deal. It's just the truth. And on the Life Stylist, uh, one of our core values is keeping it real. So I'll just put that out there. And you know me, you work with me, um, I'm not perfect and I have many faults, but being fake, I hope, is not one of them, or hiding parts of myself because I find them to be shameful, or I want to be perfect.

So anyway, after many failed relationships and some of them, uh, especially the last couple being extremely painful for everyone involved, I again made the conscious decision to just take a break. And when I'm talking about being celibate, I'm talking about no flirting, no intriguing with people, no little glances at the coffee shop, not liking, uh, a woman's Instagram post just to get a little hit.

And what I started to notice was when I let go of those micro little boosts that I would get, I saw how much energy I was wasting in seeking attention or giving attention, or just really, almost, um, really isn't overstating to say there's a high associated with that intrigue. When somebody gets a little flirtatious with you, or you get flirtatious with someone else, you get that little warm feeling in your belly or elsewhere that, ooh, they're responsive, all of that. There's nothing wrong with any of that.

This is human mating rituals. But when your mating rituals are getting you into relationships that have a very destructive impact on your life, in my case, it seems smart to reexamine and for a time completely remove myself from those rituals. And so when I did that, it was, I mean, woo, it was a dark night of the soul, Bailey, for real.

I mean, I'm at home every night alone. And it's funny at the time that I did this, the way spirit orchestrates things for our benefit, um, however uncomfortable that orchestration might be at times. Um, all of my guy friends, all the homie got paired up around that same time. And guys were getting engaged, and getting married, and having kids and moving away from where I lived in Hollywood at that time.

And there was just less of a male homie group. It's disintegrated because everyone was growing up and doing what they should do, which is, well, I don't know what I like to do, get married, have a family, uh, become an adult man, and not just hanging out with the boys all the time.

Um, so I was very alone. And, um, I would do something that I've heard called self dating and I mean, talk about feeling like a loser. I would take myself to the movies and get dressed up. I would go out to dinner by myself. I mean, I really had to learn how to be alone and how to be comfortable with my own company.

And this is all really just a process of self-love and self-healing. And the reason I'm emphasizing this so much in answering this question, I'm taking really the long way around because the short answer is like, oh, you write down the ideal partner and you meditate on it every day, and then they magically appear, which does happen.

But what is also likely to happen, as was the case with me, I would manifest new partners and those new partners would be the same partner that I just broke up with a different name and a different face because I was the same. So that resonance and that attraction, uh, was coming from the same level of consciousness because I had never taken the time to stop and reflect and really change my character.

So the character that had chosen my ex-girlfriend, that ended up having a really codependent, dysfunctional dynamic is the same guy now that's just going to pick the next one because of the ways that we're attracted based on our unhealed traumas and, um, the chemistry that comes from two unhealed people fitting each other like a lock and a key.

And it can feel, like I said earlier, around false intimacy. It can feel like that person is your soulmate because it's so exciting. And they text you back and you're just like, oh my God, oh my God, I think this is going somewhere. We all know that feeling. And it's a beautiful feeling. I mean, it's how nature designed us, but they're also glitches in the matrix of our nature, um, because of the way we're wired psychologically.

And so without taking the time and energy, uh, to rewire oneself, it's very likely that the same patterns that were present in our prior unsatisfactory relationships are going to reappear because the neural pathways and the subconscious patterns and drives that have been running us and that have been operational for so long are just going to find the similarity in a new person.

And then we're left in a situation that feels like we're in love. This is my soulmate. It's meant to be. And we might even make huge sacrifices or deny some of our, um, our boundaries or our core values because the feeling is so exciting. And so a really important thing to observe is that, is it exciting and intriguing with this new person because it's healthy or familiar?

Because familiar can feel really exciting. And sometimes healthy can feel not very exciting at all because it's not triggering those unhealed parts of ourselves. If the trauma within me has been healed to the degree, at least, that I'm able to identify a potential partner as something more than just a fling or something that's just exciting, uh, if those parts haven't been addressed and at least explored with some degree of consistency and depth, I'm likely to call in or manifest that ideal partner in a fool's gold dynamic because it's going to feel so exciting.

But the reason it often feels exciting is because there's the familiarity, that trauma bonding element of the relationship where it's just like, ah. It's like a feeling when you get with someone and you know it's wrong, but it's just so hot. And you can't stop. And that you have an angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other, and the devil's like, do it. This is so hot. And then the angel's like, ah, they're like the last guy. They're like the last girl. Go slow. Take it easy. Don't sleep with them yet. All that. 

And, um, human sexual chemistry is so freaking strong. I mean, we're wired to procreate. And so we're working against, um, so much of our nature, our animal nature. But if we can really forge a relationship with our true selves, our higher selves, our soul, and start to examine our behavior from that perspective, and of course, this goes into meditation and therapy and all the different things we can use to, um, to build that into our way of being, um, we're just very likely to repeat the same patterns. 

So I'll put this in a couple steps. One is, if you are wanting to call in the perfect, and no one's perfect, but if you want to call in, let's just say a healthy, fulfilling relationship that adds to your life and one, uh, in which you add to your partner's life and both of your lives improve as a result of joining forces, which is the way my relationship is now, thankfully, if that's what you want, then the first step is to really withdraw and reexamine yourself, and your life, and your patterns, and really do a thorough inventory of what made your past relationships not work? In other words, if you're looking to manifest your partner, what happened to the last one? Where'd they go? 

And of course, it's easy for us to go, oh, well,they had issues. It was their fault. But let's say you were the-- uh, in a court of law, if your past relationship that ended in a breakup, uh, was put before the jury, and you would've been the one deemed to be innocent and the other guilty, which is the case sometimes.

 I mean, sometimes we get involved with the sociopath and we have no idea. Or just someone who is, um, lacks character and they fooled us. I mean, we're very, um, susceptible to deception and being manipulated. I mean, the human mind is so malleable and easy to trick, especially when it's thirsty for love.

But let's say you were the innocent one in your past relationship. Then the inventory in that case would be, well, what was it about me that was blind to that person's flaws and character? What was it about my level of self-worth and self-love that allowed me to be treated so shittily? There's always a responsibility for me to take, even if I have been the victim of a perpetrator.

There's always, and this isn't victim shaming. I mean, of course there are scenarios where somebody is just treated brutally and they literally just were walking down the street. But I'm talking about getting involved in a long-term relationship with someone who is pathologically, um, corrupt. Then I have the opportunity to look within myself and say, well, what was it about me that had such porous boundaries or that had such, uh, blinders on that didn't let me see what I was getting myself into?

So all of these ways, and this could be done with a therapist. I mean, a lot of this work for me earlier on was done in therapy and in 12-step groups based on relationships and sex and all of that. Reading every book on codependency and sex addiction, love addiction. I mean, just trying to figure it out.

So arming myself with some quality information, uh, was a huge part of it. And in my particular case, to get to some of that deep healing, and I've talked about this on multiple other podcasts for the past four years, um, the intentional use of plant medicines and psychedelics in either, um, a ceremonial therapeutic setting.

I mean, I was really able to get to some of those deeper parts of myself, uh, and heal them to where after that experience, they were no longer operational. I mean, just quantifiably different experience of life. But there are many ways to heal that stuff. So that's the first couple steps, is look at your family history, interview your parents or your grandparents if they're still alive, find out what makes people tick in your tribe. And then find out what has made you tick in your own life.

And take responsibility for whatever parts of your failed relationships you can truly and honestly own. Then taking some time off during that period of reflection and rebuilding, of just removing one's energy and feeling how uncomfortable it is to be lonely, and learning how to be comfortable with one's self and to truly enjoy someone's company.

So fast forward my experience on this particular part of it. Um, my wife Alyson is out today on a hike with her friend, and around the house it's just not as fun when she's not here. But I don't miss her like a part of myself is missing and I can't function because she didn't text me back, or I don't need to track her on her phone to see if she's cheating on me.

It's a healthy attachment. And the reason that I'm, I think, capable of having a healthy attachment because I do have an attachment to her. She was just out of town for a couple days, uh, filming a, I don't know if I told you about this. She was filming an episode for Gaia TV, which is pretty exciting.

[00:32:42] Bailey: I saw it on the calendar and I used to watch that show a lot. 

[00:32:45] Luke: Oh, cool. The George Noory?

[00:32:47] Bailey: Yeah.

[00:32:47] Luke: Yeah. So cool. It was fun for me because back in the day when I was, um, when I was employed as a bodyguard/driver for prostitutes, um, I was--

[00:32:59] Bailey: I did not know that.

[00:33:01] Luke: Yeah. It'll be in my book, um, coming soon to a theater near you. Um, but one of the things I used to do is I would listen to the Art Bell Show Coast to Coast, uh, from midnight till 3:00 in the morning, and then Howard Stern would start at 3:00 in the morning. I would listen to that from 3:00 to 6:00, and then listen to the replay because obviously I was working nights in that particular vocation.

But yeah. Then, um, uh, Art Bell died and George Noory took over Coast to Coast. So yeah. Those guys were the OG UFO conspiracy theory guys. Um, and now I think his show is,a little bit more about spirituality and in her case, shamanism stuff. So anyway, I digress. 

She was out of town for a couple days and I was just observing my inner experience like, ooh, am I okay? The wife's gone. Do I feel needy or do I feel alone? Am I anxious? Am I uncomfortable being by myself? Am I using more nicotine or being on my phone more? Am I running away? Am I hiding? How am I dealing with that? 

And if I'm truly honest, I definitely noticed that she was gone and I was fine, but I also really prefer when she's here. It's additive to my life and my experience just to have her energy and her love present in the house or wherever we are.

But I wasn't falling apart and I wasn't acting out or doing anything weird to mask the feelings that I had. In other words, there's a healthy attachment and there's, I think, a healthy dependency, but not a co-dependency. I'm still my own man. I'm an individual sovereign person, as is she. 

And it was necessary for me to learn how to be alone and to truly enjoy my own company, and to be able to really keep myself busy, and entertain myself, and just enjoy my life by myself before I could bring someone in and not have it be based on a lower energy neediness.

[00:35:18] Bailey: This way you're secure already. You're securing yourself and it's not like everything's going to fall apart just because she's not there.

[00:35:26] Luke: Yeah. Well, she might not agree with that. No, I'm just kidding. No, totally. I mean, I missed her. I missed her. I mean, I love her. I'm obsessed with her in the best way. I think she's coming home now. I'll probably see her on the porch and get a little flutter in my heart. I mean, that's a beautiful part about being in love. It's easy to take people for granted when they're there all the time. I don't do that. I've built a practice of just being in constant appreciation of her.

And anytime, well, not every time, I'm sure I forget at times, but my general habituated sense of her when I look at her sitting on the couch or she walks in my office to interrupt me from my work, because she just needs to give me a hug, and then I realize, wow, I really needed that hug too, I look at her like I've never seen her before.

Just that newness. I keep that newness alive and that deep appreciation. And I think that's one of the keys of the success of our relationship and the fact that it is so mutually fulfilling. And she probably has her own version of that. But it's easy when you're around someone 24/7 just like, oh yeah, that's the wife, whatever.

I don't do that. I appreciate not even what she does, but just who she is. And I keep myself aware of how goddamn lucky I am to have her. I mean, for real. 

But anyway, back to the question. And I'll get to the grand finale, hopefully. But to just try to manifest a partner without doing all of that other work, I am not saying for everyone, but again, speaking from my own subjective experience, it's very likely to manifest another version of the partners you've already had. And if not the partners you've already, had the type of dynamic that you've already had, which obviously didn't work out if you're single now.

So taking all of that time, doing all of that inner work, and the inner work continues because relationships, especially close, intimate relationships of the romantic nature, um, they have a beautiful way of bringing out those things within ourselves that, uh, still need some healing. And when you're in a karmic relationship as opposed to a dharmic relationship, the karmic relationship serves the purpose of pretty much just that, of each person just having their wounds triggered to the point where they have to face it. 

And some of those partners in a karmic relationship might have so much love for one another that they're able to stay together through the process of working through that karma together. Uh, and then others have to separate. And you do the work I'm describing, find your own personal dharma and your relationship with yourself truly, and to heal any underlying wounds of you not being lovable or whatever your story might be, or stories that you've made up about yourself. 

And calling in a partner in the way that I would recommend is calling in a dharmic partner, where you have two people that are really doing the work. And that don't need another painful, doomed relationship to encourage them to do that work. It's like each person is individually motivated to keep evolving and elevating their consciousness in whatever ways, uh, they deem most appropriate for themselves. 

So Alyson has her spiritual practices. I have my spiritual practices. They differ somewhat in terms of their optics and um, practice, but we also come together and have our own shared practices. We pray together. We meditate together. We occasionally, um, sit in ceremony together. I mean, the purpose of our relationship is for both of us to grow closer to God. And the relationship is a vehicle by which we do that.

And in that there's a really fulfilling and in a different way, exciting love. It's not an exciting love where you're in fight or flight all the time because you think you're about to get in a fight or you just did, or they're playing manipulative games with you and didn't text you back, or they're going to hang out with their ex just to fuck with you or whatever.

Um, it's a different excitement. It's not even excitement. That's a wrong word. It's sense of being home. It's safe. When you, maybe if you have a good relationship with your family and you fly home for the holidays, and you walk into your old childhood house and your parents are there and no one's perfect, but you all love one another and you just go, ah, you exhale and you can just be yourself.

And they know you so well. You couldn't bullshit them anyway. It's home. And so if what we seek, and I'm just going to presume that people that commonly ask this question, I'm going to presume what they're looking for is a sense of being home, a sense of being safe, a sense of being seen, of being heard, of being appreciated.

Uh, a sense of someone holding a deep presence with and for them. A true connection, true intimacy. Into me I see. Into you I see. To really have a comprehensive and integrated relationship. That requires becoming that unto myself, the relationship with myself. And that creates space for someone else to come in to that realm of safety and that sense of home.

But the real home is within my own heart. I mean, that's where I have to find it first. So in terms of manifesting, it was just a trendy concept, but it's a truth. It's a spiritual truth. It's a principle. I mean, we do manifest. What I was describing in this whole tirade that I just offered, um, which hopefully included some value for people listening, I manifested every partner I ever had, and they manifested me. 

In all the relationships that didn't work out. And some of them didn't work out dramatically, uh, you know what I mean. And we chose each other. We invited subconsciously those dynamics into each other's lives because it was our karma to learn. And I'm so grateful for all of the hard lessons and all of the heartbreaks. Um, and I'm so healthily remorseful about the harm that I caused throughout my life as well, just out of my own ignorance and selfishness. And I've owned that and in any case that I can think, done everything I can to rectify and make amends for my own behavior.

So all of that stuff of cleaning up our side of the street. Now when I say that, I'm like, some woman's going to listen to this podcast guys and be like, no you didn't, motherfucker. Hey, hit me up if I missed you, honestly and truthfully. 

Um, to clean up one's own karma and clean up your side of the street and your house to get your own house in order, when that's done, the process of envisioning the perfect partner is really fun because you know it's going to be something new. And for those listening that have already had a bunch of healthy relationships and you weren't as screwed up as me, then you can just forget all the stuff I said because you already did it. And now we'll go into the manifesting. 

Um, what I did before this relationship, when I came out of that period of celibacy and just really being like a monk, I was a renunciate man. I just was at home. I was with myself. I was going to therapy. I'm going to my groups. I'm reading all these books. I'm listening to audio books. I'm listening to relationship podcasts. I mean, I am determined to heal these parts of myself that keep hurting people and getting me hurt. 

So what I did when I was ready to come out of that is I wrote a dating plan. And this came at the advice of, um, wise counsel from people with whom I was spending time and learning about relationship dynamics. 

And so I wrote out a set of rules for myself, um, that, and I mean, I have this thing in Evernote. It's way too private to ever share, but the-- you have access to my Evernote. You could go look at it, Bailey. It might be helpful to you. You're, I think, still single. Um, but essentially I made a plan for myself that put some confines on my tendencies to move too quickly and blindly into new relationships.

So I don't remember the exact, um, parameters of it, but it was like, if I meet someone, um, I'm going to ask them on a date and we're going to meet somewhere in public. They're not just going to roll over to the crib and Netflix and chill. We're going to go to coffee. We're going to go on a hike, whatever it is. That date is going to be under two hours and I'm not going to have another date with them until at least a week.

I mean, there were all sorts of rules that I put in place for me. And I'm not saying everyone has to do this. I was just, yeah, super out of alignment in this area. So I needed that. Um, no texting incessantly back and forth. No trauma bonding. Anything that looked like the way I used to do things had to go.

And so it was all about me pacing myself and also being aware of my tendencies, which historically had, uh, lent themselves more to the love avoidance side. The classic unavailable guy, that was me. But then as I started to open my heart and get into the breath work and yoga, and deeper into meditation, my heart started to open more.

And then I had a couple dynamics in which I was more needy and more in the love addict position, and the woman was pushing me away. So I've experienced both, but the majority of them were that. So I was looking for those tendencies, and that's why pacing myself and not just meeting that person and going, oh my God, they're the one. They're the one.

No. Uh, the lower brain cannot, for guys, uh, cannot determine the one. Not having sex right away, being slow with the physical intimacy, all of that, I had to be very deliberate so that I didn't repeat the same patterns. And really in this list that I made, which was my dating plan, and ultimately the vision for a partner, I put those parameters in place so that I could be aware of those patterns within myself, but also to be able to observe them with my potential partners.

Are they starting to text me incessantly? Are they a love addict? Um, if we had made plans and they're flaking out and being flighty, is this a sign of being love avoidant? So it's looking at myself, but also looking at them, not from a judgemental place, but just honest evaluation. And so I could go on and on about the details of those parameters, but setting some rules for myself was very helpful. 

And then also, and something I do with everything in my life that I want to have in my experience like right now, for example, um, I'm working on a vision of having a place, uh, where I can escape to in the summer when it's hot as shit in Texas. It's not that fun to be here in July and August. So I'm like, well, we moved here, we built this house, what am I going to do? Not practical to just up and leave. And nowhere has perfect weather except Los Angeles maybe. And I don't want to be there anymore.

So, um, so I'm now manifesting some mountain cabin or something in Idaho or Montana, and we're going to go up there this summer and I would like to bring this to fruition, so I have a plan for it. So with my dating plan, was also a vision of an ideal partner, um, starting-- and I wrote this down.

This is really important part of this because just thinking it is not going to bring it's potential to fruition. Thinking it, having the ideas, forming the thoughts, and then writing it down. The first two steps. The third step is actually sharing it with another person. Hopefully not the person you just started dating.

Not on the first date. Oh, that's another thing in the rules too, is like no oversharing in the first few dates. We don't need to talk about the abuse I endured as a kid or that I was an addict. Boundaries. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. This is important for me in that stage because, well, there's a lot of reasons, but you could boil it down to, as a kid, I wasn't raised with any boundaries and my boundaries were invaded by perpetrators, um, on an ongoing basis.

So as an adult, I didn't even know what was socially appropriate to talk about and with whom and when. So a first date, I would just be, ah, vomiting all of my whole life story on someone. So I started to be mindful of that, and then I would notice if the other person was doing that. And it'd just be something to notice. A little red flag or maybe a pink flag, of like, huh, they seem to lack boundaries. Good to know. 

Anyway, back to the vision. So I categorized the vision of the perfect partner, just like I would do the mountain cabin in Montana. I want it to be near a spring. I want to have a modern aesthetic. I want to be off grid, whatever. With the partner, first most important thing, and this all came true by the way, were my core values and my morals. These are my non-negotiables. These are the things that I really seek in a partner, and they're things that I'm not willing to bend on at all. Um, so loyalty, honesty, um, compassion, kindness, um, selflessness, all of these great qualities which we all possess somewhere underneath the surface of all of our character defects.

But what do we value in life? Someone who is devoted to a God of their understanding, someone who's deeply spiritual, who's here on earth to do God's work, that's what I was looking for because that's who I am and what I am. However imperfectly I might do that, that's the trajectory of my life.

That's where I'm going. I am here to do God's will, period. And I deviate from that plan all the time, but there's always a guiding light or a compass within me that's like, oh, you're off course. Get back to the plan. So that was the first thing, is the fundamental qualities, uh, that I was seeking in a partner.

And then there were lifestyle compatibility parts. So this is, um, do we go to bed at the same time? Do we want to live in the same, uh, climate? Does that person want to live in a city or live in the country? Um, where are they aligned politically? Uh, are they religious? Um, what's their relationship like with their parents?

How functional or lack thereof, uh, is that relationship and their family of origin? Uh, those things that maybe people don't talk about early on and then become problematic later. Um, what's their, uh, stance on, uh, raising children? Do they want children? If so, how many? Are they willing to not inoculate their children?

Are they going to be down for a home birth? The things that really, at least for me, mattered in terms of a long-term situation. So are we compatible in our worldview and the way we want to live our lives and where we want to live our lives? These are important things, not on the first date, but as you get to know someone and there's some synergy there, some chemistry there, and you think it's going well.

But I want to know all of this ahead of time. What am I truly looking for when I manifest a partner? I'm not just like, bring me someone sexy and awesome. It's like, no, bring me someone that at least roughly fits this criteria so that we have a chance at longevity.

And so that I'm actually going to be a positive, um, a positive influence on their life as well. The person that I'm looking for that has all of these qualities and preferences and such, is also looking for that in someone else, which is me. So it's really getting clear about what I want very specifically.

So it's the core values, the moral character of someone. Then it's worldview lifestyle preferences. For example, I couldn't date someone that listens to rap music or hip hop in my presence, especially if they like to listen to it loudly in our house. It sounds trite and superficial maybe, but I don't like that music. And there's a lot of music I don't like.

I'm just picking one out of the hat. I'm just super picky about music. And I just don't like that kind of music. Now, if you want to like listen to some old soul and RnB, whatever, cool. But when soul and RnB grew up and became rap and hip hop, it just lost me. So I don't want to hear it.

Uh, the same could be said if someone like listens to death metal and punk rock. I did that shit when I was 16. I don't want that kind of music in my house or driving around in my car. These are things that might seem in insignificant and superficial, but when it comes to living the rest of your life with someone, ideally, just was my hope calling in that partner, um, I need to be clear on what I want and what I don't want. 

Not only what my preferences are, but which things are non-negotiable and which are negotiable. So say someone likes to listen to punk rock all day. Cool. Are they willing to do it in their room and not in the Sonos whole house system or whatever? We can negotiate some of the superficial things. 

And then lastly, and this is where it gets very superficial, but also meaningful, was the way the person looks like the color hair, the color eyes I'm attracted to, the, um, the ethnicity, what's the word? Ethnicity?

[00:54:21] Bailey: Mm-hmm. 

[00:54:22] Luke: All that. We all have our preferences and then we find, wow, we're attracted to someone we never thought we'd be attracted to. And that totally happens too. But if I could rub a genie bottle and say, create the perfect woman for me, I would have preferences, my sexual preferences, what turns me on, what turns me off, all of that stuff. I mean, I think mine-- no, I know it had. It's just, do I want to admit this? Mine had preferred cup size.

It was very specific. But many of those things weren't non-negotiable. That's just like, hey, I'm going to aim for the bleachers here. If I could really create the perfect person for me, these are all of the qualities they would have. 


The most important though in that manifestation process, uh, was definitely their moral character, and that we are aligned in terms of our internal values, the principles by which we live, and our level of commitment and dedication to living by those principles. That's number one. 

And out of that, come non-negotiables. And those non-negotiables are discovered by having a list of red flags. Did I catch the person in a white lie on the third date? That's not a non-negotiable. That's a red flag that that person might not meet one of my core values, which is radical honesty. No lying, ever, about anything.

No lying, no hiding, no manipulating, no trickery, no fuckery allowed. Why? Because I don't allow that from myself. If I don't allow that for myself and I'm allowing that from someone else, then I have some self-esteem work to do. Because I'm putting up with something from someone else that I wouldn't put up with for myself.

So actually writing out this vision, refining it, making it very thorough, and then sharing it with someone you trust, a good friend. And saying, hey, this is what I'm looking for. And then the final step, and I realize we're about an hour in now, so I think, as predicted, the questions, plural, uh, are going to be a question.

I think this will be hopefully useful to some people. I know had I heard the things that I'm sharing today, 10 years ago, if I was ready to hear it, oh my God, it would've saved me a lot of trouble and other people as well. So, um, I'm really happy to share this information. And Alyson and I have done, I don't want to say-- lectures isn't the right word, but talks and workshops. And we're going to be doing much more work in this area. So it's something about which I have a lot of passion. 

So when this vision is on paper, and it's something that you are ready to realize, and you've done at least some of the inner work to clear the path to make something new and beautiful, uh, happen, the last step of this is going over your list and honestly answering to yourself how much of that you are able to express.

Am I really honest? What's my integrity level? Am I loyal? Am I selfless? Am I giving? Am I compassionate and understanding? Am I open-minded? Am I willing? Am I capable of being of service to other people? Am I generous? Am I able to receive? It's all those really important characteristics of someone else that we seek are only going to come into our experience if we are an energetic vibrational match for those qualities. 

And no one's perfect. Your partner's not going to be, and I certainly am not. But am I close? Yeah. And in my own experience, man, if I had a Bible around, I'd swear on it, only when I reached a certain degree of qualification of embodiment was I able to, I don't want to say manifest because it's not like I made her, God manifested her, and you, and me, and everyone.

But when I came into resonance frequency, if you want to state it in a new agey way, with that person, then that person appeared. And in my case, it wasn't even that she appeared because we were already friends for a few years before we got together, which by the way, it's quite common that relationships work out when you're friends for a while and then you become friends with benefits, um, provided it's in appropriate context and maybe not your boss or something like that, although that could work too.

Just depends. Um, relationships are dynamic and unpredictable, but when I had a moment of truth, uh, on the third date with Alyson, uh, it's so fun to talk about this, and I've told this story before in different ways, in different places. But, um, essentially our third date was a, and I don't recommend this, and this was totally outside of my dating plan, by the way.

I broke all the rules, so you could say, everything I just said before about making these rules doesn't apply. I did follow them for a while, but with her it was a little different because I knew her previously. It wasn't just like, oh, I met her at a bar and now things are hot and heavy the next day or whatever.

It was we were friends, we were pretty close and, um, had a really good rapport and a level of trust and understanding. But our third date was a 48-hour peyote ceremony in a Tipi and Joshua tree. And we weren't a couple yet. I mean, this is our third date. I made an exception on the timeline and some of those parameters and rules about safe dating for myself, uh, because this was a unique opportunity and honestly, I just felt intuitively that it would be okay. And I was just going to go myself.

And I mentioned it to her. She was in New York at the time, and I was like, uh, I'm going to this thing. And she was like, oh, it's with these people or whatever. And, um, I said, why? Do you want to go? Or something. I wasn't necessarily inviting her, but I was just seeing if that's what she was getting at and she's like, oh, wow. I didn't even-- no, I hadn't thought about it, but shit. 

And then she felt into it. She's like, I'm coming out and we're going. And so it just coalesced in a really natural way. But there was a moment, uh, I think on the second night, I mean, it's all a blur. And she had some things she wanted to discuss with me because, um, uh, how do I say it?

I mean, she tells the story much more accurately and probably concisely, but essentially I'm trying to follow these rules that I set for myself, which are like, dude, this is not what you do on a third day, but I'm going to give you, Luke, yourself some slack here because this is a unique situation.

But the ceremony itself and the facilitators were essentially, they didn't know our backstory. They were just seeing the energetics of how we interacted together. And so they began to treat us as a full on couple. And there were all of these initiations and things that took place in a very traditional, very strict peyote ceremony that goes all night and you can't go to sleep.

You have to sit up and be attentive and participate in all of the activities. It was beautiful, but it was quite arduous. But in the ceremony there were all of these initiations where we were treated like a couple that was together. And in fact, one of the ceremonies within the ceremony was the shaman presiding marrying us.

And all of this was very scary to me. Because it was, I'm trying to do things right this time, man. My heart was in such a good place. I was really trying to protect myself and Alyson and just go slow. And I don't want to repeat my old patterns, man, but here we are in this ceremony and it got wonky for me.

And she, of course, felt that in my resistance and closing down a little bit. So anyway, we get back to the Airbnb and she wants to talk about all that. And I was very open-hearted and I'm still really in a medicine space, and felt like I could be receptive to whatever she wanted to share.

And she essentially shared like, hey, I'm all in. I see you. Do you see me? Basically in more words. But that was the essence of it. And it was like, oh shit. And in a really beautiful moment that I'll never forget, I thought of the list, the vision that I just described for you. And I started mentally taking an inventory of all the things that I had written on that list to manifest my perfect partner.

And as I started to think of them, I shared it with her. I mean, I didn't open up my Evernote document, but I knew it very well because I'm studying it all the time and refining it, and I'm really not going to deviate outside of the plan. And so I started sharing some of those qualities with her and as I'm sharing with her, I'm looking at her and I realize the person that I had described is sitting right in front of me and is all in, is there for this.

She just was a little far ahead as women usually are. She intuited like, oh, there's something special here in our dynamic. Um, but again, innocently, I was really trying to just keep the rails on this thing, or keep it on the rails rather. Or just like, ooh, let's stay in line.

[01:04:26] Bailey: So thankfully, she was able to see what was happening in the magic of that moment and that whole weekend experience that I couldn't see and I was a little slow to catch up. But when I sat and realized that she was the one I was looking for, and she realized I was the one that she was looking for, I was faced with a really difficult decision. And that decision was, am I going to trust my heart? And can I discern whether this is my heart or these are those unhealed parts of myself that led me to think this is the one, man, this is the one so many times before? Is what I'm feeling alignment or am I feeling infatuation?

[01:05:16] Luke: Infatuation and alignment are two totally different things. And so I had essentially a short night to sleep on it. Because I was like, yeah, okay, I'm in. And she's like, just sleep on it. We're in a strange vortex here. I know a lot's happened and I mean, I'm really just over there like, oh, what is happening?

It was a lot. And, uh, in the morning that was when I really had to tune in and just, okay, Luke, man, this is it. You don't want to hurt this person and you don't want to hurt yourself. What are you going to do? What are you going to do? Do you want to give it a shot, even though this is totally outside of the plan that we've created? The well-intentioned plan. 

And it was such a huge moment of growth for me because I did obviously elect to just go for it and go all in as unorthodox as the dynamics of our relationship were at that point. Um, but it was a moment in which I gained so much trust in myself. I mean, it took a while for that trust to unfold, of course, when things worked out and it ended up being a fulfilling, healthy relationship, uh, that it has blossomed into. 

But in that moment, waking up the next morning, she's like, so how you feeling? No pressure if-- in other words, she gave me an out. And I could have said, well, you know what, I slept on it and let's just date for a while more. Let's date some other people. And let's just slow our roll here. I think this might've been a little bit of an intense third date sitting in ceremony, and let's just take a pause and slow down. I could have said that, and maybe she would've stayed around, but I don't think she would've.

[01:07:06] Bailey: I don't think so. 

[01:07:08] Luke: And I think she's told me before that she wouldn't have. And so it wasn't an ultimatum. It was no pressure. She was honestly saying like, hey, man, do what you need to do. I'm still here. Where are you this morning? And I was like, gulp, big swallow. I said, yeah, I'm in. Let's give it a shot. And thus we became a couple. 

And, um, so despite all of the confines that I'd created and all the well-intentioned plans, God had God's own plan and a lot of that was thrown out, but the reason it was-- not thrown out, but a lot of that was, um, amended. But not because of my own will of like, oh my God, this girl's so hot.

I got to be with her. I'm going to ignore all the red flags. Not that. It was actually just the realization and the acknowledgement that the vision that I had wisely created had manifested and it was right freaking here in front of my face letting me know, I'm here, let's roll. And all I had to do was just go, oh, okay.

This is not how I thought it was going to look at all, but are God's plans ever how we think they're going to look? Rarely. And if we are in the practice of surrender over a period of time, which has been the case for me at least, my little ideas are so lame and so limited compared to what God's spirit, higher power, whatever you want to call it, the thing that keeps our heart beating every night and we fall asleep. 

That thing, what that thing wants for us and holds for us and is just on the other side of a hill waiting for us to voluntarily walk over the hill and it's like, look what you have. This beautiful prairie of flowers. And we're over there trying to pull up one little dandelion and hang on to that. There's so much more available. And so I think a lot of that was possible because of the vision that I created and all of the work that went into it beforehand. 

And for me to really look at what is truly important in a partner. And in the moment, actually, there was another part of it that was very meaningful. When I had the realization that the woman sitting across from me was the exact, uh, description or fit the exact description that I had created, there was a really powerful moment in which I realized, I mean, aside from having female anatomy, leaving all those parts of it aside, obviously. Little joke there. 

But the meaningful parts of it, the moral character, just the values, uh, all of those things that really mattered to me, I realized, holy shit, in the past couple years, I have actually cultivated these things within myself and what I'm asking for from a partner, I am totally capable of delivering myself. And that was a huge part of that moment. In other words, I'm not asking her to be anything that I'm not willing to be or capable of being.

And so there again is that alignment. There again is that like begets like. I'm asking for someone who's honest, and loyal, and caring, and all of those things and I had a moment of looking inside and going, holy shit. It hasn't always been the case certainly, and I'm sure it hasn't for her either in her past, but right now in my life, I'm that guy on paper.

I'm that. I'm here. I can do it, not perfectly, but better than it's ever been. Closer than I've ever been. And she's closer than she's ever been. And thus began, um, what has been, I mean, really one of the biggest miracles of my entire life. And it all followed the process that I just described.

I mean, that's the whole thing. And that's why it takes an hour and 27 minutes to describe 52 years of learning and just getting back up again, falling down, getting back up again, falling down, getting back up again, and just refusing to close my heart and refusing to succumb to the fear of getting hurt again or hurting someone else again. Just like, oh my God, just getting my ass handed to me, man. Getting my heart broken so many times. Breaking so many hearts. Just getting devastated by relationships is really the, well, I'm sure there's more to learn, but that was really the last part of my maturity to develop. It was just so much pain went into that.

And looking back, it's just, I mean, there were things I would do differently as it pertained to other people, and their experience for sure. But in my experience, I wouldn't have it any other way. Because I'm so hardheaded that I'm just so habituated to just being stuck in the ruts of my patterns.

I needed to get just destroyed. That ego death was so necessary for me to just go, okay, you know what, put my hands up, white flag up. I surrender. I literally don't know how to do this. I need help. I need help. I need therapy. I need groups. I need books. I need counselors, coaches, whatever. I can't do this.

And that's what I did. And these are all things essentially that I learned from teachers teachings that I started to put together and actually apply. And so anyone that's listened to this episode and, um, has that same question or maybe someone in a relationship that just wants it to be more healthy and fulfilling and intimate and all those things, um, you can listen to someone like me talk, like I listened to other people talk for years, and it might be interesting or intriguing and different points might pique your curiosity but nothing does the work except doing the work. 

It's like, if there's three things I said where you're like, eh, I don't know about the rest of it, but these three things rang true for me, write it down. Or it'll be in the show notes at lukestrorey.com/466. Write it down and explore it's practical application in your life. Don't read about it. Don't listen to it. Do it. 


[01:13:32] Bailey: I love the part-- I had never heard this part of your story before about the rules that you created.

[01:13:39] Luke: Oh man. 

[01:13:40] Bailey: But what you didn't-- so you put these things in place to protect yourself because you're like, okay, I'm obviously not doing this right and I'm very vulnerable. So if I don't follow these rules, then I'm putting myself in a situation that I don't want to be in. But then once you were able to see that you didn't need that protection anymore, that you were in a safe situation, you were able to adapt immediately and say, oh, those rules are not important here. I can move forward. God has brought me here. 

[01:14:12] Luke: Yeah. That's a really good point. I never thought about it that way, Bailey. I think I had the wherewithal, and this is largely due to the energetics of eating a lot of peyote, and I'm just being honest. I'm not recommending, hey, if you want a great relationship, go eat a bunch of peyote.

But I'm in a deep medicine experience and in that, I think without being aware of it, I was able to assess the situation and alter the degree to which I was going to adhere to those confines. So it became dynamic because I realize, to what you're saying here is that, oh, because that's what I was fighting through the first two days of that ceremony. I was like, no, no, no, no, no. They're marrying us? I was mortified. I was terrified. I was like, I'm looking at Alyson, we're kneeling at an altar. And she's like, you are now married and is doing all-- 

[01:15:17] Bailey: You just let the whole thing happen but you were like--

[01:15:20] Luke: What was I going to do? Go, oh yeah, I'm not into this and walk out? I was just sitting there and inside my heart's pounding. I'm just like, what is happening? Like, no, no, no, no, no. I'm thinking the facilitators, the shamans are like, they don't understand-- 

[01:15:34] Bailey: They're just confused. 

[01:15:35] Luke: Yeah. Do they think we've been together for 10 years? What is happening? And I was freaking out inside because I was scared of going too fast and not thinking it through and just being a dumb ass like I had been before. Alyson, again, was a little far farther ahead of me, and she saw that we had something really special and I was just late to the party.

But when we had that conversation, I started to tune in and catch up and go, oh, okay. I think we're dealing with a different type of situation here. This is being orchestrated by something other than just us two and our attraction to one another. This isn't, yeah, we just met at a party or a bar.

Now we're going home together. And it's like, I think she's the one. Ah. It's not that. That's for sure. This is a deep soul connection for real. And actually one of the things that I did adhere to, even though we became a couple on our third date and became committed and exclusive and that kind of thing, I mean, weren't seen or talking to other people. We're now together, I don't know how long it was. I'd have to ask her. But we didn't have sex for a while after that. I mean, I think it might have been two or three months or something, which was also in my rule book was like, no, actual sex for, I don't know if it was a period of time, two or three months, or a number of dates or whatever the case was.

But incidentally, it just organically worked out that way that our relationship didn't become physical as fast as it became emotionally connected. And maybe it could have done that faster and it would've been fine. I mean, it probably would've been, but that was something I was still aware of.

Okay, I want to make sure that I have my bearings about me and that I'm not fooling myself into thinking this is the one because it's new and exciting and all of that. So there were elements of that, but yeah, you're right. I think I realized, oh, I'm swimming in different waters here. Different rules are going to apply. We're in the shamanic realm thing. We're in the quantum type of relationship and bonding here that it doesn't fit within the parameters of any other normal earthly experience. 

[01:18:03] Bailey: Hmm. 

[01:18:04] Luke: Yeah.

[01:18:05] Bailey: I love that story so much. I think I've heard it like five or six times now. It's still so good.

[01:18:10] Luke: I love it too. I think I'm getting better at telling it more accurately because when I tell it in Alyson's presence, she's like, no, no, no, no, no. That's not what happened, Luke. And then she tells the story for real. But that's as close as I've gotten to it, I think. And that's the crux of it. There's really the part of just doing the inner work, being very clear about what I want, being honest with myself about the fact that I either have or don't have within me what I'm looking for in another person.

And then, um, following some healthy guidelines when you do find the person to whatever your version of slow is. To make sure that each person is maintaining their autonomy and sovereignty within themselves, and that you're coming together to create a third entity, which is the relationship, but you have to both be whole, at least whole enough for you to then create this third thing versus codependency where there's just a one merged self without two whole self parts, the relationship becomes the whole you. 

Because you become so enmeshed, so intertwined that you lose yourself. And that's this feeling of, oh my God, I would die without them. And they don't text you back and you have a panic attack. And meanwhile they're just getting coffee. All this weird stuff. Some people relate to that. 

[01:19:37] Bailey: So unstable.

[01:19:37] Luke: Yeah. Some people will relate and some people won't. Um, but yeah, the crux of, I think of manifesting a partner, at least in my experience, and there's probably as many ways to manifest a great partner as there are partners out in the world.

I mean, there's billions of different dynamics that could take place. This is just what's worked for me. And, um, I have a sense that Alyson and I are going to become old people together. Yeah. I literally can't imagine being with anyone else or ever wanting anything different or more or less. I'm just home. It just is. She's my person. I'm her person. It's just all love all the time. 

[01:20:29] Bailey: Mm-hmm. You did it. 

[01:20:31] Luke: Yeah. I mean, God did it. I was just willing. I was a willing participant. And I'm sure things will come up. People are dynamic. Things change. You both evolve. And there could be a situation where I am like, you know what, I don't want to live in Texas anymore. Let's move to Idaho. And she's like, fuck snow. And then we have to negotiate that. You know what? Nothing is perfect, perfect. 

But when you have the underlying foundation where your compatibility is based on your individual and collective dharma, it's like you're both here to do the same thing in your own unique way, that level of alignment is really powerful. We're here to serve humanity, both of us. And part of the way we do that is by continuing to grow and learn and evolve ourselves so that you then have maybe the second half of your life based on just giving and serving and not so much on having to learn all the lessons and keep studying and getting your ass kicked.

Hopefully the getting your ass kicked phase is somewhat temporary. I'm hopefully done with the getting my ass kicked phase, but then people are going to die, and careers are going to change, and the government's going to oppress us, and who knows what's going to happen.

I mean, life is unpredictable, but I do have a sense that at least within our relationship that it's solid and sturdy and it makes me a better man. She calls out the best parts of me and will not for a second put up with any of my bullshit. Anything less than excellent is not tolerated. And that's not like she's nagging me or mothering me or something like that.

She just knows that there's an awesome man inside here and does everything she can to bring that forward. And if there's something blocking that, she's really good at seeing that and without shaming me, encouraging me to step up into my power. Sometimes I think about her as like she came from another timeline or another dimension as, I don't know if guardian angel is the right word, but she's there on a, I mean, this is on a very etheric level. 

She's there to encourage me to be her king. But it's not even for me being her king, it's for me to be a king. My king. And so if there's any distortions in our field of people around, or things that I'm doing, or just weird shit happening, she's really good at seeing that.

And the reason that she creates awareness around that for me is to help me be the best me. And in similar ways I also inform her and teach her. I mean, she asks me for advice about things all the time and I am able to have insights that are different than hers because I've had different experiences in my, um, her shamanic path and my spiritual path intersect in many ways.

But they're also quite different. The books that we've read, the teachers we've studied with, they're different. And so I have a different perspective. I'm coming at her with the Verdic, non-dual perspective, and she's coming at me from the power animal realms and shamanic medicine and things like that.

So it's complimentary, but we both really, um, learn from each other, which is beautiful. Because no one's above the other. There's true equality in that learning. And that's a good really, uh, barometer of a relationship, I think is, do you bring out the best or the worst in one another.

[01:24:22] Bailey: Mm-hmm. Yeah.

[01:24:24] Luke: And if it's the worst man, that's uh, that's at least pause for a pause and some evaluation. Can we fix this or are we together for the wrong reasons? Which is sometimes the case. 

[01:24:39] Bailey: Well, I think one question was enough. 

[01:24:43] Luke: I think it's enough too. We should probably do, Bailey, on these new AMAs, because I think last time we did three questions and it was two hours long. I'm so passionate about trying to help people and sharing the hard-earned experience that I have in my life. Some of which might be projected as wisdom and some of it just thinking out loud. Maybe a mix of both. Maybe we should just pick a topic. One topic, which this one essentially was, because it's something people ask us about a lot.

It's like, I want to bring in a partner. I'm changing and evolving. I'm listening to this podcast, doing all these cool things and I'm still single. What's up? It's a very common, uh, sentiment amongst our listeners. And so, yeah, maybe it's just we pick one hot topic that I don't know about hopefully before we start and I'll just go off. 

And just say, hey, man, this is everything I've got. Because listen, it's like, all right, so we could have made this 60 minutes. This is always the thing I'm playing with. What if, God forbid, knock on wood, I get hit by a bus tonight and I'm like, oh, we got to we could only make it 60 minutes, even though there are all these other moments of inspiration that I'm suppressing because I'm like, oh, I don't want it to be too long for people. I don't want to be too verbose, et cetera. 

It's like, well, this is the way I was made. And, um, when I'm passionate about something that involves like helping other people avoid suffering or alleviate the suffering, uh, that they're currently experiencing, I'm just all in. And I've got to say everything that there is to say in an effort to get it out while I'm still here. 

[01:26:29] Bailey: Yeah. And the, um, when we go with one question, it's like the answer brings up so many other questions anyway. So if we just make it a topic, then we can follow it wherever it needs to go.

[01:26:43] Luke: Totally. Yeah. Well, thank you for holding space. I think one thing that makes these great, I know last time I think we're like, even I said, I was like, oh, Bailey, you got to talk more. Let's have more of a dialogue, but I just fucking take over.

[01:26:56] Bailey: Well, this one, I was like, this is how it's supposed to be. You were on it the whole time.

[01:27:01] Luke: I think when we're doing more questions then it's like, yeah, we bounced the ball back and forth a little bit, but this one just got me in my heart because it's something about which I am so passionate, especially right now at this point in my life. But also you just holding space and you and I have talked about stuff around this topic before outside of work and stuff. So I think, well, I don't think, I intuit and have a sense that some of this is for you.

[01:27:30] Bailey: I would say so. 

[01:27:32] Luke: Yeah. Because I can feel there's this certain sensation I get when I'm sharing something with someone. Because I don't know who's going to listen to this. I can't feel into them or the future. But in this moment I feel like we could have been on, uh, a Zoom conversation and you're just like, hey, let me just ask you some questions about relationships. I would've said really the same exact thing.

[01:27:55] Bailey: Right. I'm just channeling it out of you with the benefit of everybody. 

[01:28:00] Luke: Yeah. You do have, uh, you do have that tendency to bring out some of that stuff within me. So thank you for that. And thank you for being such a great space holder and a listener. I appreciate you.

[01:28:11] Bailey: Absolutely. 

[01:28:14] Luke: And with that, we're done. This is Episode 466. You guys can find the show notes at lukestorey.com/466. I feel like that's an auspicious number for some reason. I don't know what it means in numerology, but it's almost demonic if it's two digits short from being 666. But it has a nice ring to it, so it's not that.

Um, and I want to encourage you guys to, uh, follow me on Instagram @lukestorey. And sometimes we do go through our social media and take questions out of there. Again, we're just generalizing here. This is just a common question, so that's why we pulled this one out. But I love interacting with the listeners on Instagram.

Because that's really the only social media platform that do most of it myself. I mean, there's people that assist with that, but I'm on there every day, probably more than I should be. And I like, uh, I like seeing who the listeners are too. Someone will DM me or comment on something and I click through to them and I'm like, oh, cool.

It just gives me an idea of who's on the other side of these dialogues. It's a fun way for me to get to know people. So make sure you follow me. And also following me on Instagram is does me a great favor too because, um, during the time of the plandemic, I've been pretty heavily shadow banned and they won't verify my account.

And the engagement that I once got has been, um, much less, I think over the course of the past three years because of my outspoken, um, uh, attitude about the goings on. So follow me there. And then also for people that have totally abandoned the highly censored corporate run and own social media platforms like Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and so on, I do have a Telegram channel, and you can find that at lukestorey.com/telegram. 

However, the Telegram channel is highly uncensored and, um, potentially triggering and it's pretty spicy in there. And there's a lot more, I don't know, political commentary and just anti-establishment perspectives there.

So enter at your own risk. Um, if you want the censored, um, more neutral version of the work I do, then Instagram's a great place to find it. Um, and if you want community, um, that's not a bunch of conspiracy theorists like on the Telegram channel, and I mean that as a compliment, conspiracy analysts rather, then we have a Facebook group. 

You can just go into Facebook and search the Life Stylist Podcast. And we have a group of, I think 7,000 people in there now who are awesome people and they're super smart because they'll post questions in there and I go in, I'm like, oh, smarty pants Luke is going to answer.

And I'm like, oh shit, they already nailed it. There'll be five people already answered it more effectively than I could. Um, so the Facebook group is good, especially for people that are really interested in more of the physical health stuff. It's basically an alternative health Facebook group because people don't really talk about the relationships and spirituality and things that I'm frankly more passionate about talking about.

But I do like to dip into the group because there's just some wild stuff going on in there. People have all sorts of health problems and they're fixing them or not fixing them. And people are offering a lot of value. So I guess those are the ways that you can further interact with us. Did I forget anything, Bailey? 

[01:31:41] Bailey: Um, definitely sign up for the newsletter. 

[01:31:43] Luke: Oh yeah. I've been plugging that a lot more in the, um, in the podcast recently. I don't know if you--

[01:31:48] Bailey: Oh, good.

[01:31:48] Luke: Yeah, if you see that in the intros, but, um, for those listening, what she's referring to is we put a lot of time and effort every week into, uh, creating a newsletter for each, uh, episode. And so there'll be complete show notes and timestamps and links to everything we talk about. There's a link to the complete written transcript for every episode. There's an embedded link for the audio, for the video. So every Tuesday morning, every single piece of content, uh, to support that episode is delivered via email.

And that's pretty much all we send out. I mean, we're not spammers. Every once in a while, I don't know if I have an event or something like that going on, we'll send an email out, but, um, it's not like, I mean, we don't really sell anything here. I mean, I don't have my own supplement company or something where I'm going to be trying to sell you a bunch of stuff.

I'm just doing my thing. So if you want to get all of the podcast assets every week, go to lukestorey.com/newsletter. And I promise not to spam you. I won't share your email with any third parties. And if you get sick of it, you can just unsubscribe super easy. That's what I do.

I unsubscribe to so many things. It's probably, I think like three or four a day. I don't know how I get on all these newsletters when I'm just like, leave me alone. There's probably five things that I actually want to be subscribed to because I want to know, like, Joe Dispenza retreats or, I don't know, different things where I'm like, oh shit, I don't want to miss that. So I'm intentionally signed up. So if you're one of those people, um, you can join our newsletter there. I think that's it. Thanks, Bailey. 

[01:33:28] Bailey: That's it. Thank you. 

[01:33:30] Luke: All right. Cool deal.


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